Thought Spirals
Right now where I live it is 1:10 a.m. I know I need to sleep but I just can’t. I tried reading my new book, Turtles All The Way Down, by John Green; which I should’ve know wouldn’t help because I get lost in books way too easily. In this book the main character, Aza, has these things she refers to as “spirals” in her mind. Basically, she has these thoughts that she can’t control and tries to fight, but she can’t so they just spiral out of control continuously tightening and overwhelming her. This made me think of the feeling I’m having right now. I know I need to sleep because I have school tomorrow and I want to sleep, but my brain just won’t shut off. I’ll think of one thing and that’ll lead to another and this continues until I’m either overwhelmed or too exhausted to possibly continue. Why is it that the human brain can be so active when it should be resting? Why can I be in the living room, awake, needing to do homework only to get a headache that is so bad that I can’t even begin to focus on what I need to do; however I can lay down for bed, exhausted, and my brain will run wild for hours thinking about anything and everything?
It’s been over two hours and my brain is thinking about every possible subject it can think of. I’ve thought of how much work I haven’t gotten done, about gymnastics practice, even college. Is this all just because I’m so stressed right now? Sometimes when I’m here like this I think of how different things if life wasn’t stressful. I’m a teenager; I should be excited about my future, not worrying about whether or not this stress and feeling of impending failure will eventually go away, or worsen until it swallows me whole. Do other people feel like this, or am I all alone? Sometimes it’s hard to find an escape from it all.
Other times I think about how I can’t wait to get out of here. Here meaning this town, this house, this room. Will it help? Will leaving the place I know help me know what I want and need? What if I graduate and I really do leave? What if I go half way across the country, away from everything I’ve ever known? All I’ve been told when it comes to college is how I shouldn’t leave. It’s more expensive, people are different in other places, what if you get homesick? But there’s always a sense of hope. What if it’s worth it? What if the people influence me in ways the people I know now never could? What if I love the new place and I strive there? How do you choose to leave behind everything you’ve loved and known all your life?
In my head I have a picture of my future. I know how I want to feel and the things that I think will bring value to my life. But what if I’m too naive to even have a real idea of the future? It’s hard to be hopeful when you’re worried that you’re just talking every up. What if my head wants me to think everything will be better in the future? What if it’s all just fiction? I’m glad I’m only a junior in high school because that means still have time to really think about what I want to do. However, right now all of my responsibilities are smothering me.
It’s been over two hours and my brain is thinking about every possible subject it can think of. I’ve thought of how much work I haven’t gotten done, about gymnastics practice, even college. Is this all just because I’m so stressed right now? Sometimes when I’m here like this I think of how different things if life wasn’t stressful. I’m a teenager; I should be excited about my future, not worrying about whether or not this stress and feeling of impending failure will eventually go away, or worsen until it swallows me whole. Do other people feel like this, or am I all alone? Sometimes it’s hard to find an escape from it all.
Other times I think about how I can’t wait to get out of here. Here meaning this town, this house, this room. Will it help? Will leaving the place I know help me know what I want and need? What if I graduate and I really do leave? What if I go half way across the country, away from everything I’ve ever known? All I’ve been told when it comes to college is how I shouldn’t leave. It’s more expensive, people are different in other places, what if you get homesick? But there’s always a sense of hope. What if it’s worth it? What if the people influence me in ways the people I know now never could? What if I love the new place and I strive there? How do you choose to leave behind everything you’ve loved and known all your life?
In my head I have a picture of my future. I know how I want to feel and the things that I think will bring value to my life. But what if I’m too naive to even have a real idea of the future? It’s hard to be hopeful when you’re worried that you’re just talking every up. What if my head wants me to think everything will be better in the future? What if it’s all just fiction? I’m glad I’m only a junior in high school because that means still have time to really think about what I want to do. However, right now all of my responsibilities are smothering me.
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